Shapechanger Project

I'm still here

2005-05-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a while and I haven't kept current. Of course, I haven't instituted any changes in exercise or eating patterns yet, so there is little to say. However, I do feel on the brink ... of something ... a substitute for food, maybe? Ah, nourishment from music, perhaps?

Sure, if I put less calorie-rich food in my stomach as well.

But it is tiring to only think about doing something ... and then to beat myself up for not actually doing anything. Yeah, yeah. Forgive myself and step forward.

Cheese

2005-04-18T23:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it's really hard to let go of cheese. I'm not quite there yet. Perhaps when I run out, I can keep from purchasing more of the "wrong" kind.

It so is ... satisfying.

Oops!

2005-04-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

I knew my cholesterol was going to be high ... way high, and I was right. When my insurance situation changed, I stopped getting lipitor -- pricey. I resent paying for something that can hurt my liver. If so many people are taking it, why is it still so expensive? So, it's been over a year without lipitor.

The doctor called me at work. My thyroid pill will be stronger, and I agreed to a pill to reduce cholesterol if it was generic and not so expensive as lipitor ... I'm a little stubborn, plus I'm funds challenged at the moment and trying to be conscious of what I'm spending and where ... I've been spending more than I've been bringing in. But, that's another story.

Anyway, my overall cholesterol was 343, with the triglycerides at 314 and the "bad" cholesterol at 227. I guessed I probably had to do something proactive. Time to do my part.

me: You're worried about me. (statement)
doctor: Yes.
me: (thinking ... wow, someone cares ... yeah, yeah, I know, my daughter and son care ... wow, someone cares) Okay, I'll take medicine, but I want generic lipitor.
doctor: I'll call it in. I'll send you paperwork for blood work in 8-10 weeks.
me: Okay, I'll actually do it this time ... and when I'm supposed to.

Of course, this means I need to take a look at my eating patterns ... My primary source of cholesterol is real cheese ... a main staple since I'm practically a vegetarian. I know my body would produce cholesterol on it's own, but for all I know, it might be getting most from cheese. I figure it's up to me to be thoughtful with my body. So, what can I eat that's yummy if I'm not eating cheese?

I guess I'll figure it out.

But I'm not, repeat NOT, fixing anything. There's nothing wrong with me! I'm just looking at things in a new way.

A New View

2005-04-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

I removed my little ostrich head from the sand and did some things I've been putting off. I was engaged in unadulterated procrastination

Did the follow-up at the Doctor's office on blood pressure and went and had blood work done. Drank plenty of water so I wouldn't be a dried up prune and have no blood to fill their little tubes.

I've had an epiphany of sorts. Refer to my main blog more pearls than whine for the details. I'm taking a new approach:

There is nothing wrong with me! (See more pearls than whine blog for the background.) That is my new credo. I will flash that thought in my face anytime I feel the urge to condemn myself through habit. I guess it's retraining.

My stress level is already reduced ... because there's nothing wrong with me at all ... and you know? There never was!

Is there such a thing as a retroactive effect? Why not! Anything is possible.

Too painful for words

2005-04-05T18:10:00.000-07:00

I must start.

This is the process ... and it's an agonizing one. Suddenly ... in a magical instant, I will cross that line and it will be effortless ... total flow. Maybe the process is similar to dying. Once you cross the threshold, the pain is gone.

I feel like a bloated pig

2005-04-01T23:56:00.000-08:00

I am not pleased with myself. Just call me roley poley, too fat for my own good. Why can't I just start a new trend? What is keeping me from just taking that step ... to cross the line from eating pretty much anything I want ... to conscious eating that limits calories and fats? What is my freakin' problem?

Am I waiting until I absolutely can't stand it anymore? If that's what I've been waiting for ... feeling too disgusted for words, I just might have reached that point. Stop haranguing yourself and just take action!

Benchmark

2005-03-29T22:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I weighed in and measured ... shudder.

Okay ... my starting point of reference.

One Step Back

2005-03-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

Have not started a new eating plan yet ... unless you count adding jelly beans ... the fruit flavored kind, my favorites being black, green, yellow and orange, in that order. What in the world is the flavor of the purple ones? They taste like soap.

I guess I need to weigh and take measurements to establish a starting point, to gauge progress. Not my finest moment of accomplishment. Hey, I did this ... look at me! Right. I could probably stay at the starting point indefinitely. But I've already done that and it works perfectly. Nothing changes.

Time to really put my attention on a workable eating plan -- one that reduces mass instead of the other way around. (Notice I didn't say the *D* word? A rose by any other name ...)

And then I must actually cross the starting line.

Color me surprised! I'm a creature of habit!

2005-03-24T00:02:00.000-08:00

I thought I embraced change ...

Instead, I am clinging to what has become normal and what is comfortable and I try to replace the worn out with exactly the same thing ... that I've been wearing for almost ten years. How boring is that!

After seven years ... I know, that's too long ... I finally made an appointment for an eye exam ... with the optometrists adjacent to Lenscrafters. I had some pretty good hints that my prescription needed changing. I wear graduated bifocals and I wear them all the time. I don't do contact lenses because reasonably priced ones wouldn't correct my vision well enough. My prescription changed ".75" ... which means I needed a new prescription.

I knew I was going to have a problem picking out frames. For regular glasses, the current style is to wear cute little itty bitty slivers of glass in a narrow little frame. I told the nice young woman helping me that, "I'm probably not going to like anything. I liked large glasses before they were fashionable and I still do. I'm not fashionable (understatement)." I've always gotten glasses with a generous viewing space because I don't want to miss anything. I also told her I wouldn't be happy with anything because my face was fat and ugly." I think she laughed at that. Hey, I said it lightly. Anyway she helped me find something that was a compromise. It was the largest available, but still smaller than the ones I'm wearing right now. My glasses will be ready in about 10 days. I think they'll be okay. Glad I found something I think I can live with.

Did you know that Lenscrafters accepts AAA and the discount is 30%? That was a very nice surprise. I came in clutching my $75.00 off coupon. Instead, I saved $137.00 ... theoretically. Maybe it's all built in. Anyway, all in all, I didn't behave too badly in Lenscrafters.

I behaved very badly on the phone with Lands' End. I have no fashion sense, just the consideration of comfort, obscuring the fat, and if it fits and works, buy more of the same thing in different colors ... except the pants. They're always black. So, I've been buying multiples of the same pants for a long time.

However, they just changed the pattern and sizing on their "popular" black knit sport pants. Excuse me? Why would they do that? "At our customers' request." Well, what about coming up with something new and keeping the old ... I know they sold a lot of them. So, I bought five pairs, taking a chance. My current ones worn out and it is past time to get new ones.

Anyway, I gave the poor customer service rep a hard time on the phone because of the change. I don't appear to be embracing change too well.

I opened one package and tried them on. I could have screamed in frustration. They're in the drier now. I'm sacrificing one pair to see if the length won't shrink a tad bit ... and that they'll magically "work." They're larger in the waist and narrower in the hip ... so on first trying them on, it felt that they were falling down and pinching my butt at the same time. Maybe I was expecting to dislike them and created AN ISSUE. If I still hate them after they come out of the dryer, I'm returning the other four unopened pairs ... and I don't know what I'll do. Wail! Finding something else that works will be a true challenge.

Meanwhile, I need to wear something until my SHAPE IS GREAT ... (I look forward to this ... so I can wear something different! Well, at least shopping for clothes won't be so horrible then.)

I am told that it is important to buy nice, fashionable clothes that fit ... whatever your weight and shape. Yeah, right. And I'm supposed to keep myself from having a nervous breakdown in the dressing rooms ... with those awful mirrors and lighting that make you want to slit your own throat.

I just want to give my measurements to a magical genie and say make me clothes that fit and make me look acceptable ... in fact, make me look better than I look, but don't make me try on a thousand things.

Then I went to the SAS Shoe Store to buy another pair of the same shoes I always wear (my current ones are getting too shabby) ... because there is plenty of toe room and they are extremely comfortable ... And I had to get a bigger size, again. When I first discovered that feet change, I was shocked. I thought I was going to wear the same size shoe that I wore when I was in my twenties ... forever. The harsh realities!

One more little thing from today ... before I went to the shoe store ... When I ate a late lunch at TGIF ... with my book, of course, the waitress asked if I was already on a new book. I looked at her, puzzled. She thought I had been in earlier and said the woman was reading a book and looked like me. She really thought I was that lady. When I said, "Poor lady," the waitress said emphatically, "No, you're beautiful." Maybe she's talking about inner beauty, but she did sound sincere ... so I accepted what she said without giving her a hard time. Or, maybe the light on my clean, shiny, salt-and-pepper hair gave me a halo effect. I don't think she said it to get a good tip ... but I sure gave her one.

At least I'm confronting these issues, even if they're winning. I'm so full of crap.

The Shape I Envision, Part 2

2005-03-22T00:02:00.000-08:00

How Bad Am I? I'm so bad ...

No, I'm not bad. I just have bad eating habits. I eat too much of the wrong kinds of food ... I'm not watching calories, or carbs, or fats. I'm just consuming them.

And I don't like anyone to watch me prepare my food ... in all its excess glory ... or say something like ... "How're ya doing on your diet." Egad. The "D" word. Don't freakin' watch me!

It's called COMFORT FOOD. Cheddar cheese on saltines with a healthy dab of concord grape jelly (= love). A Muenster cheese sandwich on oatnut bread generously slathered with margarine and Miracle Whip and romaine lettuce. Yum. Something salty followed by something sweet on the way home from work ... like corn chips followed by milk chocolate. Cheese tortellinis with spaghetti sauce, and shredded Mexican cheese mixed in and heated ... then some drops of Cholula hot sauce. Yum. Creamy Peter Pan peanut butter on oatnut toast for breakfast. Salads with green onion, broccoli, and a little feta cheese, with light ranch (light works fine) and a sprinkling of sugar to offset the tartness. Green beans, spinach, oranges, apples ... all good food. Large (16 oz) black coffee with three heaping teaspoons of sugar. Oops. A bit of excess here. Nobody better watch me! Did I tell you my cholesterol was high?

It's pretty clear here that if I only gave up one food ... Cheese, I would be instantly ahead. Followed by sugar.

Do I need to go to protein drinks?

I can eat meat, but I don't want a lot of it all the time. It's too hard to try to do the South Beach Diet without eating meat ... and a lot of it. And cheese is too high in fat ... and you can't eat salmon or other fish every night because of the mercury content. I tried the South Beach Diet for about a month or so before Thanksgiving. I was down about 10 pounds. It was going fine until the holidays EXCEPT that I had an allergic reaction to all the tomatoes ... bright red flushing on my neck, my face, my ears and my skin felt hot. It went away, but it was a very uncomfortable feeling. And then vine-ripened tomatoes went up to $3.29 a pound. At that time I my dad was following the South Beach Diet also and it was getting very costly. Because of the relaxing of the "D" at Thanksgiving with turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, pies ... the whole enchilada, it wasn't easy to return to the South Beach Diet. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so it didn't happen. The missing 10 pounds returned like a boomerang.

Basically, I need an Eating Plan I can work with. And, I need to get into mental military mode. A mission where I'm totally focused and don't deviate. I can do this, I just need to have the plan and actually start it.

I'm not moderate. You mean you didn't already get that? I'm pretty much all or nothing. I can stick to a plan if it's workable and I do not deviate for any reason ... not a holiday, a birthday, nada.

So all I need is an Eating Plan, an Exercise Plan, some preplanned visualization exercises of my own devising ... and then to actually step on that path and start walking. Once I do, I will stick to it. I'm working up to doing just that. Psyching myself.

It takes a deficit of 3500 calories to lose a pound. That means I only have to have a deficit of 210,000 calories to lose 60 pounds. A piece of cake ... just kidding.

Next I'll be working on a plan I know I can follow ... I also want to maintain the desired weight once I reach it. I don't want to have to do this all over again. Shudder.

I am doing one thing that's good for me. I'm drinking water!

to be continued ...

The Shape I Envision, Part 1

2005-03-21T13:12:00.000-08:00

I can't blame it all on menopause.

I weigh too much for my height and frame - a solid 60 pounds too much ... actually, a fatty 60 pounds too much. The weight came on during and after menopause, but my eating habits aren't helping the situation. I used to have a waist. Now it is more like being 9 months pregnant and my middle is the most protruding part ... never used to be the way. I am not pleased with myself. Yeah, I know it's not healthy, either, but how I feel about myself is the more damaging aspect. I'm downright embarrassed!

What I expect to have:

A reasonable middle aged shape -- I'll accept middle age if I can be light on my feet and don't gag when I go by a mirror. I guess I would have to say I expect my personal best for this time in my life ... and to set a standard for the rest of it.

Waist measurement smaller than bust and hip measurements.
Buff :) -- well, as buff as a 58 year-old-woman might expect, considering the loss of elasticity in the skin. The trick will be finding the right amount of flesh for the skin and bones. Sounds pretty macabre, doesn't it?
Weight suitable for height and frame. We're talking enough flesh so the wrinkles aren't too terribly defined, but definitely out of the obesity category and safely below the overweight line.

to be continued ...